I woke up this morning feeling restless and also very playful, giddy, and a little goofy, but mainly, extremely powerful. I gave my fluffy pillow a big cuddle and then looked at my toenails. They were long- very long- and I thought about reaching for my toenail clipper, but then, I thought, G’day, Pete, I’m a CEO of a racing club, so what for? I can just wear bigger shoes. I hugged my pillow again and rubbed my nose on it. I like doing silly things like this to show that even someone as feared and powerful as I am can have a fun side. Horse racing needs more fun, and I am the Caligula and Howard Underwood of the Fun Police.

It’s also why I really admire Taylor Swift. I read about her being devious, superficial, controlling, spoilt and powerful, and always getting her own way, and thought how much we are alike though I am sure she has nicer toenails. She sings and hangs out with her #group and I run a racing club and am surrounded by the #boyz2men.

I also like that close friends call her Tay, and that her closest friends call her TayTay. I am thinking of my 50,000 closest friends calling me PeePee. What do you think? Or maybe PePe.

I looked down at my toenails again and thought of Howard Hughes. Hahaha. Bet you thought I only know the names of horsey people. Hahahahaha. I have no idea who any of them are except most are either very short or else very fat and bald. Hahahaha. I have great Al Pacino hair! Have you noticed?

What’s no laughing matter is how quiet I have been lately- and I don’t like it. Come closer and I’ll tell you why: They’ve told me to zip it up, take a chill pill and listen to Adele songs because no one can be as miserable as Adele, and how hearing such misery can make me a happy camper. But though every morning, I get out of bed, stand buck naked in front of the window and sing “Hello, I have seen the other side” to all of Sydney, I still feel bloody empty inside, mates and participants, and this booming voice keeps galloping through my brain like thundering hooves screaming, “SUE THEM! SUE THEM!”

Has this ever happened to you? Hearing all those voices in your head? Isn’t there NOTHING in the world better than suing people even if you don’t win? Hahahaha! It makes me feel like PeePee being like TayTay: Powerful! But now, they’ve told me to stop it, which is why I have been just saying weird things and making up all kinds of shit. Hahahaha! HELLO! IT’S ME!

Whenever I get that urge to SUE THE BASTARDS, I can no longer call ShaneO and have him probe me. Probe, probe, probe! Hello, he’s gone to the other side. I liked him. He was like the devil with a blue dress on searching for Mother Graham Kerr like Norman Bates managing Hotel California. Hello! You can check in anytime you want, but you can never leave. Hahahaha! ShaneO has checked out.

These days, I just call up Sister RayRay and tell him all kinds of karakas- I don’t even know what that means- and he treats me like Kanye on Twitter and just writes whatever I say as if it’s the Gospel According To PeePee. He’s my main man bitch. Hahahaha! What do you think? Should I be on Twitter? Think of the dope shit I could say! Hahahaha! And I could have my own PeePee emojitos. What? Emojis? Ninja? Japanese? Sushi? The Japanese are coming? With the Chinese???

I have just painted my toenails and squeezed into my very big shoes and have decided to jog to the office and High Five everyone I meet on the way to show that, like Joan Of Arc, LaToya Jackson, and Joan Collins, I am a man for the people, and a man for all seasons trapped inside an Adele and Lionel Ritchie song with only some Hellos for company. Hello, it’s me, and see you on the other side. Hahahaha!

Finally, let me just say, i am a humble man from humble beginnings who was born to lead, and who treats everyone the same even though everyone is different and no one is as good as me. When I get like Adele lonely, I like to mess with stuff- television channels, racecourses, but mainly heads. Hahahaha. Fun Police! Fun Police! PeePee knows what you’re thinking: Here comes Howard Underwood in the Game Of Thrones. And you know what? Hello, it’s me. It’s so typical of me to talk about myself. I’m sorry. No I’m not! Hahahaha. Just horsing around with you.

Your leader,

PeePee