Trying to have the casual and new race-goer understand the various racing terms is tough going- though probably not as tough as us trying to understand what the hell the ding dong 1010 Million Challenge is all about.

As we have said before, many don’t even have any idea what a totalizator is, let alone being able to read it, and no amount of racing apps and talking head racing programs can make those who are simply uninterested in learning all these terms, get them to be, well, interested.

Somewhere, somehow, it’s still all too “hard basket”, hardcore- and being communicated to this consumer group by many from another era- an era that has been long dead and which left the building with Elvis and his cheeseburgers.

Below are some very real answers by a group of newbies to racing when asked what some of the more frequently mentioned racing terms mean.

STIPENDIARY STEWARDS

Are they the gay guys who swish around the aisles on a flight, purse their lips, serve cashews, and ask, “Coffee, tea or meeeee?”

Or are they like Stewards on cruise ships like The Love Boat who book Jack Jones to sing the theme song for the television series?

BARRIERS

Aren’t barriers where one can’t get through? So, if horses have barriers, how do they break through? And what are the differences between barriers? Does barrier one help the horse to escape faster? Why are they not called gates? But even that’s confusing.

ENQUIRY

Is this some place you can call if you have any enquiries? Like can I call and enquire about where a jockey bought their blouse?

Or is an enquiry like an inquisition- like the Spanish Inquisition where jockeys are interrogated and then court marshaled?

JOCKEYS

The brand of underwear Dad wears like his Walnuts brand or a DJ like Fatboy Slim.

TRAINERS

Adidas, Nike, Puma or Reebok?

Jockeys who ride horses wear trainers?

BANKERS AND LEGS

Wall Street? The Wolf Of Wall Street?

A banker doing a runner after another financial crisis.

Douglas Whyte is a banker?

Which bank is he with?

GRIFFIN

Griffin Dunne, the Actor.

Hasn’t made a movie in ages.

GELDING

Of course, as the experienced racing fan knows, trainers- not running shoes, but those who train horses who are NOT fitness trainers- use various equipment to have horses focus on racing- blinkers, winkers etc.

But try explaining these terms to those new to racing and here’s what we got…

BLINKERS

People afflicted by Rapid Eye Movement? Or is it the name of one of Santa’s reindeer?

WINKERS

Those afflicted by nervous tics.

Could also be a shortened version for winkelpickers- those pointy shoes Rockers once wore to kick the shit outta Mods.

CHEEK PIECES

Some great piece of ass.

J-Lo has GREAT cheek pieces.

VISORS

It should be spelt VISITORS.

Or is it a type of scissors?

HOOD

A gangster, usually of the colored persuasion who wears a hoodie, carries a piece, listens to Rap music and hangs out with other bros from da hood.

MUDLARK

A type of bird related to skylarks.

SPRINTER

Usain Bolt

MUGS GAME

Like the Shell Game- but you play it with mugs.