Whenever I feel like a bad khorma, Birdie Num Num comes to me and starts speaking words of bloody good wisdom.
This week, he brought Papa Dum to the ashram who stared at me like a crow look at murder and said, Forget the ankle biters. Focus on the big vindaloos. I moved my head saying yes but looking like I was saying, No, until Papa Dum shook me and screamed, “NO TIME FOR ANKLE BITERS!”
I don’t know why, but I immediately felt better and was ready to enter the Year Of The Snake Charmer. Goodness, suddenly I felt so Enlightened. I had almost reached my Nerve Anna who is always hungry for my snake charmer. Sometimes she bites and hurts me all the way up the punjab.
Then, I thought about how since Mr.Lance had spoken to Queen Oprah Latifah, everyone has been being dopes and bad cheating men all the way from Singapore to Malaysia and Indonesia through my old friend Dan Tan and then entered Colombia and even Australia. Goodness gracious me, I thought, Doctor, we are in trouble and who do we trust?
On Tuesday, that great chapatti Mr Douglas Whyte is back riding after three meetings on the sidelines for being a bad boy. He is now four winners behind Mr Zac Purton and even trainer Ricky Yiu has said he wants to support the jockey because he is hungry. I read this and thought, maybe I should take Mr Zac out to the Conrad hotel for a damn good curry buffet and feed him some spicy potatoes with my right hand.
Everyone says Mr Zac is hungry and wanting to help feed him and think Mr Douglas is full enough. I am not sure; Mr Douglas looks very hungry and with John Size doing nearly all the feeding.
On Saturday, he has been fed five rides by Mr Size and also rides for Mr Dennis Yip and Mr Johnny Moore. Does he have any winning chances?
Goodness, I am not a tipsy topsy tipping man like my good friends The Three Amigos, below, who are always racing to win, but I like Little Man (race 3), Follow The Wind (race 7 but only to place), Flash Knight (r9), and Sea Dragon (race 11). Can he catch up with Mr Zac on Tuesday? No, no, no.
Mr Zac who is very hungry can, I think, win on Little Cow (race 8), Freak Zone (race 9) and even win race 11 with Mr Ginger though I hope he fails on Good Hong Kong which is owned by bad feng shui man John Chen whose Good Ba Ba raced in Australia on Saturday and came nowhere. It ran as if I ordered my grandfather to run. It was very sad to watch. But wait: Let me not get so angry and make a dill pickle and chutney of myself.
I will now make a little joke: Wow, blachan, a ginger man and a silly cow is a really freaky zone! Hahaha, see? I made a racing joke!
In race 11, I will spend $30 and buy a boxed quinella of numbers 1,2 and 12 and hope to make enough for a taxi to take me home to Taipo.
What else has got the Guru interested? Well, goodness, my favorite tough jockey Mr Brett Prebble only has six horses to ride on Tuesday.
Why, for goodness sakes, only six? He seems like a fun man, which I can see by the way he beats, beats and beats the horses even more. He has more beats than Dr Dre. Hahaha, I made another joke!
But seriously, I think Mr Brett can win on Affection and Rewarding Hero which he rode like a sissy man the last time. This time, I think he will ride it like Dr Dre and his beats.
For Hong Kong racing fans, cute jockey Umberto Rispoli is suspended which will make them very sad chapattis but they won’t care that much because all they want to do is win on the first race day of the New Year of the Snake.
Of course, what is VERY important is to win even ten cents with your bet on the first race of the meeting which should see the totalizator turning faster than a roti on speed.
Who will win? I think it will either be Nightlign ridden by Keith Yeung, Flying Ibis with Tim “The Hobbit” Clark aboard or Real Champion which will be ridden by my friend Mr Beats Prebble. Strangely, Mr Zac and Mr Douglas have no rides in this race.
Race 2, gives me a bloody headache as it’s a class 5 race and where I don’t like any runners.
Race 3 should be won by Mr Douglas on Little Man though drawn barrier 10, race 4 is another bloody headache race if you take Affection out of the equation whereas race 5 sees Kensworth Kid having its first run for Richard Gibson after being transferred from the stable of Sean Woods, below, who, in turn, takes over Perfect Ten from Casbah Fownes.
Why these stable changes? Why does the sun rise? All I know is that Mr Richard has taken the blinkers off Kensworth Kid so he can find the winning post and Mr Sean has removed the tongue tie from Perfect Ten so it can scream if The Hobbit whacks it too hard.
Anything else? In race 7, I really like Glacier Blue which was very unlucky at its last start with Heco Rider and the puzzling Ambassadorship which is as yet to deliver, being outsiders to throw in to tierce bets.
John Moore’s Flash Knight looks the favorite to take out the Chinese New Year Cup but keep an eye on Fat Choy Ooh La La and just maybe New Vision with Tye Angland, below, aboard- possibly the most underrated jockey riding in Hong Kong- and Keen Marie with Vincent Ho up who seems to be going through a short lean spell.
Speaking of lean trots, jockey Terry CW Wong, below, desperately needs some winners if he is to have his license renewed.
He has been barren with winners for months and has four real goats to ride on Tuesday. And as Papa Dum always says, every goat has its day and every Wong can be Righted.
Peace, Love, Enlightenment and always remember to give your brinjal snake a good tug for luck.